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Talk:Wise Up/@comment-25598148-20141103080300
My last post earlier was pretty vague so I think I should be more clear of it. I really don't like the sound of feeling that comes along with saying "im leaving" whether it be for 'real' or temporary because that's not really the intent is. I have just been finding it extremely, extremely hard to stay or even, be relatively happy here or on kik/skype etc because it's all reminder (Im not saying why) And im sure others are having as hard of a time and I'm not upset at anyone I still love all here but everything feels changed and different in a real bad sort of way. I would not really say I ever 'leave' because also, lbr most of the people that do, come back - and I more than likely would too so it's a bit too melodramatic for me. I don't even want to move on, i want to convince myself it'll go back to normal with time and I don't want to force it or anything. It may be deluded for me to do so but idrc if I'm delusional I don't abandon who or what matters to me, not easy like that. But nothing's really easy that way? Is it? It really isn't. And i hate that more than anything else in the universe. What I also hate is that no matter how I have tried I can't bring myself to stay happy around those that I love - you guys, just because of this change. It has effected me in such extreme ways that's probably pathetic to most of you guys. I sort of can't be here or kik or Skype, etc without bawling randomly because none of it seems right to me. But I can go play a game or watch TV i can smile and only then. And it's no one's fault so don't mistake this as contempt at them, the most persons fault it can be is mine really. I mean I should be a to-be mature young adult in the spring but I'm disastrously immature and dumb. But all I'm trying to say is that I'm not leaving (i never would unless dragged from here), and even though I've been uber depressed recently I'm too much of a pussy to do anything drastic. It's not even saying I'd be 'absent' because that's not the case either bc that's also vague and I don't want to be just not there. It's rather saying that rather force myself into delusion and memory that will only depress me more - I think being here brings that on and that's the problem for me - but, rather from that I need myself the space and mental/emotional capacity to be happy still. It's not moving on. Idc how dumb this is but I'll wait forever if I have to (unintended leyton quote bruh). And does doing this (give space) really achieve what i want - mental capacity to be happy. I don't even know. But that's why I'd never say I leave or quit here because something will bring me back, and if I come back late, it'll be just another for me list of long regrets and I don't want that. Leaving isn't an option the same way 'moving on' is not an option for me. But the fact of it is being around here and on the IM venues has made me bawl more than anyone rrelatively stable ever would. Maybe it's also part my fault for being unstable, too, but whatever. But again, I'd never leave or do anything drastic and all. But more of an FYI if I disappear a few days or become less active, whatever happens should be known.